Five Players Who Caught the Vapors (Translation: Do Not Draft Early In Your Fantasy Draft)
By
The Cajun-Dago
With Fantasy football drafts gearing up this weekend in preparation for this year’s NFL season, it’s important to know which players’ stocks are rising and which players, for lack of a better term, and my apologies to Biz Markie and Snoop Dogg, Caught the Vapors.
History Lesson: the Vapors was once a common term used to describe someone who is emotionally distraught, under a state of hysteria, or unstable. The 20th Century saw the word incorporated by hip-hop artists to describe someone who suddenly, due to fame or prestige, desires to be a part of a lifestyle they were once against wholeheartedly. Here in the 21st Century, I will corrupt this word again and take its meaning to fit our crazed fantasy football lexicon as someone who is undraftable, or at the very least, should not be considered a hot commodity going anywhere near the first round or their ADP (Average Draft Position). For example, Le’Veon Bell has ot the Vapors. In this article, I will tell you about four other players who Caught the Vapors and should not be drafted anywhere near their ADP.
First, the aforementioned Le’Veon Bell. Bell was a number one selection before holding out all of last year in Pittsburg during a contract dispute. Bell is now 27 years old and hasn’t played a meaningful game in a looonng time. Now, some may say that this allows him to have fresh legs and ready to jump out of the gate, and granted, this may be true. But do you really want take him in the first or second round of your draft not knowing if he will still be the player he once was? I don’t. Also, keep in mind that he ain’t in Kansas anymore, Toto, or at least he ain’t in Pittsburgh anymore. He rarely faced eight man boxes due to the proliferation of the Steelers offense and the threat of Antonio Brown on the wings. And if that’s not scary enough, Youtube Adam Gase’s preseason press conference, then see if you really want to put stock into this guy as a head coach. Smelling salts anyone?
Number 2: Antonio Brown. My word! What is happening with AB? My how the mighty have fallen. If the last month of last year’s season never happens, you would still be hard-pressed to make an argument for drafting AB in the first or second round, but you could at least make that 
argument. Now, with all the drama surrounding his tundra–like metatarsals and his unregulated brain protector, you would be the one needing your head examined if you want to take a chance on this guy. Let’s not forget that he is now 31 years old. Not a grandpa, no, but not exactly a spring chicken, either. And in this Logan’s Run like NFL (Logan’s Run was a movie in the late seventies, kids, which found anyone over 30 years old being zapped out of the Universe or being forced to run for their lives, literally), I’m sorry, he’s past his prime. Could it be that he even knows this and that’s why he’s making all these crazy decisions of late? Hmmm? At any rate, I’m not drafting this guy. I will gladly let someone else make that mistake.
Number 3: Ezekiel Elliott. As of this writing, Zeke just flew back to Cabo Wabo, ostensibly to hang out with Sammy Hagar and/or drink tequila because his feelings were hurt over King 
Jerry’s comment saying “Zeke who” in response to the emerging of Tony Pollard during the ‘Boy’s preseason game. This is a guy who was going in my Top 5 of the first round before all his tomfooleries. He’s a top talent in the league who is still young and ready to roll. He’s also ALREADY UNDER CONTRACT! This situation should not even be allowed. He is contractually obligated to perform for heaven’s sake. I’m sick of all these professional athletes who think they can dictate where and when they will play. If it’s a contract year, I totally get it. Not going to disagree with a man trying to get paid in a career that has an unsustainably short shelf life. But HE’s UNDER CONTRACT. He should be in camp right now and there should be a rule in the book that a player under those circumstances cannot hold out for a new contract, in my humble opinion Otherwise, these agreements are not worth the paper they are printed on. And do we even know if Zeke is in shape and ready to perform up to his level? I sure don’t. Maybe we can ask Sammy.
Number 4: Todd Gurley. Sorry, I have nothing negative to say about TG. He single-handedly helped me win my league championship two years ago and was a big-time player for many just last year as well. However, the post season last year and this preseason leave pause for concern. Namely, what in the hell is going on? TG has a history of injuries that he seemed to put behind him until last year, and you have to wonder, was this guy ever suited to being a bell-cow back? The answer is fading toward No, unfortunately. With Sean McDreamy being coy about TG’s health, the Rams drafting a running back, and the finish of last year, Gurley has some question mark to say the least. For years, a first-round stalwart, you definitely can’t draft him there this year, and possibly not in the second round either. I would definitely snatch him up third round or maybe late second, but any spot more than that is just too risky. Vapor’s brother.
Number 5: Jimmy Garrapolo. Last but not least is the sexy man from San Fran, the beautiful bomber of the Bay, the heartthrob of the…well, you get the picture. You remember JG, he’s the guy that Bill Belechick wanted to replace Sir Tom in New England, but owner Robert Craft, in between relaxation therapy sessions, wasn’t having it, so they traded him to San Francisco during the 2017-18 season and he won like 30 straight games and threw 55 touchdowns, or 
some close facsimile. Anywho, this guy, who, full disclosure, I drafted in the 10th round last year as a late flier because I thought he was going to have a break out year, instead tore is ACL and missed the entire season. Now, coming back, it was reported in camp that he threw five straight interceptions. Still I wasn’t concerned, this guy is too good looking to be terrible, right? Then I watched the preseason game against Seattle where I had a better QB rating then Jimmy G, and I was sitting on my couch eating boudin and drinking an IPA. Yes, he literally had a 0 QB rating. It would have been worse but the NFL won’t let us embarrass any quarterback by assigning negative numbers. This was not a good look, Mr. Heartthrob. I don’t know how to quit you, man! But I’m going to figure out a way pretty soon if this situation doesn’t get better, soon. Vapors are all over California and it ain’t the smog, baby.
So, there you have it. My top five players Who Caught the Vapros. Now, I’m not saying don’t draft these chaps, I’m just saying, be careful. For me, I’m going to put on some Biz Markie during the draft and wait on someone I can believe in. Someone who has what I need. Who says he’s just a friend. Who says he’s just a friend. Sorry, I digress. Let someone else draft the Vapors, you’ll be better off if you do.
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